@#$%&!!!

I HATE THIS!!! I HATE MYSELF!!! I CAN'T F-ING KEEP IT TOGETHER FOR LONGER THAN 30 SECONDS! WHY DOESN'T GOD JUST DO ME IN AND BE DONE WITH IT???

All I feel is hate and anger and vile, venemous crap just ready to come spewing forth from my mouth. I am so mad at myself, so hateful of myself. Why do I bother? Seriously?? Why don't I just find someone with a hammer to bash my head in so I can stop thinking and feeling this way? I am STILL fat! I am STILL mentally ill! Why can't I find a medication that works for longer than a week on me? I just want to go far far away where I don't have to take care of anybody but myself. I hate that I can't just be around my kids like normal moms without wanting to scream "I HATE YOU!!! CAN'T YOU JUST SHUT UP AND GET ALONG FOR FIVE F-ING MINUTES?!?!?!" Why do they have to ask me questions 40,000 times??? I know why, they're kids. They're just kids. But I hate it so much!! I tried SOOOOOOO hard today to not yell, to just breathe and let them be who they are. Are they better off with someone other than me? Because I seriously feel like I'm just setting them up to be as bad off as I am when they grow up.

And to top it all off, I'm out of contacts so I have to wear these shitty, lop-sided glasses that I hate and I can't see outside of these windows which just makes me confused and scared to change lanes.

Does this ever change?

I'm at home for the second day in a row now, still in my pj's, still not in the shower, and the day is 1/2 over already. I let Honey take the car to work yesterday and today thinking I'd stay home and bake cookies and make saltine toffee, but I can't seem to go anywhere near my kitchen. Which is basically clean so I don't know why I'm having issues doing this, but what else is new?

Maybe it is the weather. Maybe all this grey is getting me down. Maybe it would be brighter if I went outside, but it's so darn cold!

I put a pork roast in the crock pot last night so I could make carnitas today, except that I forgot we have the ward christmas party to go to (which I am now refusing to attend), and I'm having issues with all the fat removal involved. I. Am. An. Idiot. Why do I think I can do these things? I can't!

You know what else I've stopped doing? Taking care of myself. I dont' know what happened. I got all excited about the help I'd been getting for this sickness, this disease called depression, and I was doing great and now I am not doing well at all and I don't know what to do about it. Nothing seems to stick. It feels like I start making progress on digging myself out of this hole, and then the dirt just falls back in making a never ending job of it.

Am I a sociopath or is this part of the disease? Knowing what to do but not doing it (sometimes on purpose) to help myself be well? I know that all I have to do is get out and take a walk and it will provide benefits A, B, C, and Z for me. But do I do it? No. I avoid it at all costs. I know I will be happier if my house is clean and tidy and all it takes is 5 minutes of this or that here and there to do it, and yet... I can't. I don't want to. I just magically want it to be done for me otherwise I'd just rather wallow in this pain disguised as messy apartment and obese self.

And I'm really tired of praying and feeling my words go nowhere. I honestly feel like instead of going through the veil to father's ears, my prayers hit a lead curtain keeping me from Him.

I want to be independent and motivated with all there is to do, and at the same time I want someone to tell me what to do, where to do it, and know that I got it done because I wasn't left to my own devices. I feel so scared to make a decision because what if it's wrong?

I feel paranoid. Again.

Blue

I feel blue tonight. I hate saying that because my mom says it. But I am.

It doesn't help that I'm listening to John Denver sing "Leavin' On A Jet Plane". Reminds me of my dad, only he's not coming back. And in the song the dude is going to marry the chick, and that would just be wrong!

Heh... just thinking that made me feel a little better.

I've been having spending problems again. Spending too much, on not the right things. I think it's because I feel alone. So I want to buy things, things for myself, things for others to send to them, so I don't feel so alone. Which is silly, really, because I'm not. I have loads of friends, even a few close ones now, so I guess this is just the sickness talking, right?

I'm going to bed now. Or at least, I'm done writing tonight anyway.