@#$%&!!!
I HATE THIS!!! I HATE MYSELF!!! I CAN'T F-ING KEEP IT TOGETHER FOR LONGER THAN 30 SECONDS! WHY DOESN'T GOD JUST DO ME IN AND BE DONE WITH IT???
All I feel is hate and anger and vile, venemous crap just ready to come spewing forth from my mouth. I am so mad at myself, so hateful of myself. Why do I bother? Seriously?? Why don't I just find someone with a hammer to bash my head in so I can stop thinking and feeling this way? I am STILL fat! I am STILL mentally ill! Why can't I find a medication that works for longer than a week on me? I just want to go far far away where I don't have to take care of anybody but myself. I hate that I can't just be around my kids like normal moms without wanting to scream "I HATE YOU!!! CAN'T YOU JUST SHUT UP AND GET ALONG FOR FIVE F-ING MINUTES?!?!?!" Why do they have to ask me questions 40,000 times??? I know why, they're kids. They're just kids. But I hate it so much!! I tried SOOOOOOO hard today to not yell, to just breathe and let them be who they are. Are they better off with someone other than me? Because I seriously feel like I'm just setting them up to be as bad off as I am when they grow up.
And to top it all off, I'm out of contacts so I have to wear these shitty, lop-sided glasses that I hate and I can't see outside of these windows which just makes me confused and scared to change lanes.
All I feel is hate and anger and vile, venemous crap just ready to come spewing forth from my mouth. I am so mad at myself, so hateful of myself. Why do I bother? Seriously?? Why don't I just find someone with a hammer to bash my head in so I can stop thinking and feeling this way? I am STILL fat! I am STILL mentally ill! Why can't I find a medication that works for longer than a week on me? I just want to go far far away where I don't have to take care of anybody but myself. I hate that I can't just be around my kids like normal moms without wanting to scream "I HATE YOU!!! CAN'T YOU JUST SHUT UP AND GET ALONG FOR FIVE F-ING MINUTES?!?!?!" Why do they have to ask me questions 40,000 times??? I know why, they're kids. They're just kids. But I hate it so much!! I tried SOOOOOOO hard today to not yell, to just breathe and let them be who they are. Are they better off with someone other than me? Because I seriously feel like I'm just setting them up to be as bad off as I am when they grow up.
And to top it all off, I'm out of contacts so I have to wear these shitty, lop-sided glasses that I hate and I can't see outside of these windows which just makes me confused and scared to change lanes.
posted by SalGal at
6:05 PM
1 Comments:
Sal...you are not alone in this. You are not crazy, and not a bad mom. I have similar days/weeks where I just want to throw dishes at the walls, piece by piece. I have had to lock myself in my room to keep from screaming at my family. Sometimes, I hide in my closet because it is quiet and dark. I am meaner to myself then anyone has ever been. I am the queen of self sabotage.
(sigh) Hang in there! What is it they say about the blessings coming after the trial of our faith?? I'm not sure, but I hope my trial is over pretty soon! And yours too!
Hugs!
By
Erica Hanks, at 9:42 PM
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