@#$%&!!!

I HATE THIS!!! I HATE MYSELF!!! I CAN'T F-ING KEEP IT TOGETHER FOR LONGER THAN 30 SECONDS! WHY DOESN'T GOD JUST DO ME IN AND BE DONE WITH IT???

All I feel is hate and anger and vile, venemous crap just ready to come spewing forth from my mouth. I am so mad at myself, so hateful of myself. Why do I bother? Seriously?? Why don't I just find someone with a hammer to bash my head in so I can stop thinking and feeling this way? I am STILL fat! I am STILL mentally ill! Why can't I find a medication that works for longer than a week on me? I just want to go far far away where I don't have to take care of anybody but myself. I hate that I can't just be around my kids like normal moms without wanting to scream "I HATE YOU!!! CAN'T YOU JUST SHUT UP AND GET ALONG FOR FIVE F-ING MINUTES?!?!?!" Why do they have to ask me questions 40,000 times??? I know why, they're kids. They're just kids. But I hate it so much!! I tried SOOOOOOO hard today to not yell, to just breathe and let them be who they are. Are they better off with someone other than me? Because I seriously feel like I'm just setting them up to be as bad off as I am when they grow up.

And to top it all off, I'm out of contacts so I have to wear these shitty, lop-sided glasses that I hate and I can't see outside of these windows which just makes me confused and scared to change lanes.

Does this ever change?

I'm at home for the second day in a row now, still in my pj's, still not in the shower, and the day is 1/2 over already. I let Honey take the car to work yesterday and today thinking I'd stay home and bake cookies and make saltine toffee, but I can't seem to go anywhere near my kitchen. Which is basically clean so I don't know why I'm having issues doing this, but what else is new?

Maybe it is the weather. Maybe all this grey is getting me down. Maybe it would be brighter if I went outside, but it's so darn cold!

I put a pork roast in the crock pot last night so I could make carnitas today, except that I forgot we have the ward christmas party to go to (which I am now refusing to attend), and I'm having issues with all the fat removal involved. I. Am. An. Idiot. Why do I think I can do these things? I can't!

You know what else I've stopped doing? Taking care of myself. I dont' know what happened. I got all excited about the help I'd been getting for this sickness, this disease called depression, and I was doing great and now I am not doing well at all and I don't know what to do about it. Nothing seems to stick. It feels like I start making progress on digging myself out of this hole, and then the dirt just falls back in making a never ending job of it.

Am I a sociopath or is this part of the disease? Knowing what to do but not doing it (sometimes on purpose) to help myself be well? I know that all I have to do is get out and take a walk and it will provide benefits A, B, C, and Z for me. But do I do it? No. I avoid it at all costs. I know I will be happier if my house is clean and tidy and all it takes is 5 minutes of this or that here and there to do it, and yet... I can't. I don't want to. I just magically want it to be done for me otherwise I'd just rather wallow in this pain disguised as messy apartment and obese self.

And I'm really tired of praying and feeling my words go nowhere. I honestly feel like instead of going through the veil to father's ears, my prayers hit a lead curtain keeping me from Him.

I want to be independent and motivated with all there is to do, and at the same time I want someone to tell me what to do, where to do it, and know that I got it done because I wasn't left to my own devices. I feel so scared to make a decision because what if it's wrong?

I feel paranoid. Again.

Blue

I feel blue tonight. I hate saying that because my mom says it. But I am.

It doesn't help that I'm listening to John Denver sing "Leavin' On A Jet Plane". Reminds me of my dad, only he's not coming back. And in the song the dude is going to marry the chick, and that would just be wrong!

Heh... just thinking that made me feel a little better.

I've been having spending problems again. Spending too much, on not the right things. I think it's because I feel alone. So I want to buy things, things for myself, things for others to send to them, so I don't feel so alone. Which is silly, really, because I'm not. I have loads of friends, even a few close ones now, so I guess this is just the sickness talking, right?

I'm going to bed now. Or at least, I'm done writing tonight anyway.

The Road to Wellville

Did anybody ever see that movie? With Anthony Hopkins? I think I remember it was a bomb. Anyway, the title just seemed appropriate for how I feel (most of the time) these days.

I went to take care of my mom in Salt Lake for a week. It was disasterous. I felt so messed up in my head. For the first time in history, I wanted to move back to Utah! And for the life of me, I could not remember what was so great about living in California. Which caused me no end of grief because once we leave this state, we can never come back. Not unless Bill Gates puts me in his will and then dies two days later.

So very cautiously I mentioned it to my mom. And then my sister. And then the next night I woke up freezing my ass off and had to wake up my mom to ask her where the comforter was I had been refusing the nights before, and I snapped back to reality.

I love where we are. Sure, it has its problems (like, NO HOUSE for instance?). And I do miss having friends and family so close that actually have time to spend with me and the kids. We love to play cards and games and verbally abuse each other (for fun). But how long would it stay that way? 6 months? A year? Two, if I were lucky. But I am not a lucky person. Not by a long stretch.

So it was really tough for me for a minute there, but I got better. And I'm glad. Because I really would've missed living here. And I would have to find a new hair person, new friends, and a new therapist and since I just found this one and really like her (after 3 years of searching!), I think we'll just stay put.

And I can continue to get better. Because I think I will. Maybe not 100% cured, but close.

BiPolar?

And I'm back to being... not well again today.

Never ask a tired man for your medicine. He will inexplicably lose it, it will end up God only knows where, and you will be unmedicated for 2-4 days while trying to decide what to do about it. This will happen while you know you should be studying who and what to vote for, and therefore completely screw up your brains making you wonder if you should bother to go at all.

Something is not right. It isn't wrong, but it's not right, either. For the last 3-4 days, I have had an overwhelming sleepiness come over me. It hit me Sunday just as I should've been getting in the shower. So of course, I didn't, and I didn't go to church either. I thought I would just lay down for an hour and then get up and clean our house (becuase we've been so busy lately that it looks like Beruit on a bad day) and surprise everyone when they got home from church with a meal in the oven. I got the laying down part done right, but the next thing I remember it was almost 4 hours later. And it happened again yesterday. And again today. I just wanted to lay down for a few minutes, and then BAM! it's 3 hours later, my son's been in a poopy diaper for who knows how long, and watching a dvd that wasn't on when I was watching the View before I unknowingly fell asleep!

I've called the dr. He has 2 hours left in his 4 hour time frame before I call back and start terrorizing the call center people.

Going Well

Well, I FINALLY got back into my therapist today. SO much has changed for me since the last time we spoke, I had a lot I wanted to discuss. Like...

... the friendship I ended
... the fact that I no longer require approval from other family members of how my marriage works
... I'm reading a book about how to raise boys

And I'm feeling really positive about how things are moving along. I feel strength from starting to read my scriptures regularly. I feel strength from my friends and sisters. I feel strength from my husband.

Things are finally looking good!

And That Was Even Faster!

So I was all upset when I wrote my last post, all of what - 15 minutes ago?, especially upset that I'd been feeling fairly sane recently and with the flip of a dentist bill turned back into my "I think I just want to crawl in bed and die" former self.

But thanks to the modern miracle called "blogging", I have read some posts and feel back to my right ruddy self! :-)

That Was Fast

Well, I'm feeling incredibly sad today. Everything was fine until I found out I have to get ANOTHER root canal and I only have $59 left on my insurance this year. It just went downhill from there. I got to playgroup late because of the dentist appt. and also because I showed up at the wrong park, and I just didn't have anything to say. And nobody had anything to say to me, they were all busy saying it to everyone else. So now I feel reeaally bad, it's nobody's fault, it just is. We have $3000 in savings. I was okay spending $1600 on a practically new car, we can make that up! But now to have a root canal to the tune of $1037 taking us down to $63 in savings? I think I'll just live on ibuprofen until next year.

Today I am full of self-hate.